Mary-Sues: A Mockery Fic

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful girl. Her name was Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas. She wasn’t related to the Jonas Brothers, but she wished she was, because they were smoking hot. Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas was ½ elf, ½ fairy, ½ human, ½ Princess, ½ vampire, ½ goddess, and ½ werewolf. I know, that’s too many halves, but come on, in this story, everything’s possible!
Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas was tall and pale, with golden locks that fell to her waist, beautiful ocean-blue eyes, a perfect nose, perfect cherry-red lips, and an amazing complexion that she never needed to take care of, unlike us normal, foolish humans that are prone to acne and wrinkles unless we work like dogs to fix ourselves. Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas was also very thin, thin enough to be anorexic, but she really wasn’t, she was too hot, with too big boobs to be anorexic.
One day (omg! Did I mentn she wuz prt wich 2? Yah! Shs lyk ttly a purbood! She gss 2 Hogfarts!!!!!112) Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas was skipping down the hall, singing in her perfect voice; “You come in cold, you’re covered in blood, They’re all so happy you’ve arrived, The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom, She sets you free into this life” in her perfect voice, never missing a note, because she was perfect. All the stupid other students stared in awe at her wonderful perfection. They all knew her because even though she was only like 17, she was in like year 10 because she was soooo smart. She passed a group of ugly preps on her way down the hall. They all hated her because she was soooo hot, and soooo popular, but they loved her because EVERYONE loved Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas. It’s like, Rule #1 at Hogwarts.
All of a sudden, she stopped, perhaps realizing that she was the stupidest thing on earth. NO! She didn’t. Draco stood beside her, smiling shyly. “Hello, what’s your name?” he asked, as if he cared. Uh-oh . . . .
“Lyk ma nam Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas,” she answered. “I lyk go 2 hogwrtz nd I'm a ½ elf, ½ fairy, ½ human, ½ Princess, ½ vampire, ½ goddess, and ½ werewolf. I luv tttly goffik bnds lyk MCR and GC and evenanse bt mah fav iz Bon Jovi!!!!!!!112”
Draco’s eyebrows lifted. “The hell?” he asked. “Speak English, dammit, not that psychotic . . . whatever the hell that was.”
“Lyk ma nam Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas,” she repeated, now a little angry. Anger like, totally seeped out of her ocean-blue orbs, and her prefect mouth trembled with anger. “I lyk go 2 hogwrtz nd I'm a ½ elf, ½ fairy, ½ human, ½ Princess, ½ vampire, ½ goddess, and ½ werewolf. I luv tttly goffik bnds lyk MCR and GC and evenanse bt mah fav iz Bon Jovi!!!!!!!112”
“I can’t understand you!” screamed Draco. “Avada Kedavra!”
The spell vanished once it touched Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas, because as we all know, Mary-Sues can’t be killed. That would be a cardinal sin in this perfect world. “MY GOD!” shrieked Draco. “It’s too stupid to even realize I just killed it!”
“WTF STFU stpd Prep!” responded Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas in her perfect voice. “Lyk, I hte u!”
Then for some reason, they started making out. After they were done, Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas started getting a whole bunch of friends! Harry ditched Ginny and went out with her, but Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas cheated on him with Ron, Sirius, and Draco, all at the same time because she could bang anyone she wanted. She beat up Tom Riddle then became his lover all in one night! They all joined a band called My ttly hot Gothic Bloody Tears 666. Because of course, Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas had to have everything perfect.
One day at band practice, Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas started singing in her perfect voice, and Draco sang along. The song was “Livin’ on a Prayer,” by Bon Jovi, Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas’s ttly fav bnd in the world! Then Gerard Way, that one guy from FOB (is it Bob? Or Frank? Oh, I think it’s Pete), and Jon Bon Jovi himself came in. Jon started making out with Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas!!!! “I’ll b ur bf 4evr!” he proclaimed. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“ALL RIGHT, THAT’S IT!!!!!”
Everyone looked up, frozen in place. Even Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas’s beautiful voice faded away. In the door to their awesome band room was a series of weird people wearing “prep” clothes.
“This has gone too fucking far,” said the one in front, a short, angry girl with long brown hair and a rather thick, solid-looking frame.
“OMG! It’s lyk sooo ugly!!” squealed Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas, hanging onto Jon with all her strength.
“Lyk, hold on2 me, darlin,” he said to her. Then they started making out.
“STOP! STOP STOP STOP STOOOOOP!!!!!” roared the short girl. “I don’t have perfect skin like you, bitch! Because I’m not a Mary-Sue! And Jon Bon Jovi, stop talking like a freak. Pete, get the fuck out of here, you know better than that. Gerard . . . can I have your autograph?!”
“Lyk wtf?” screamed Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas.
“This is the way things are.” A second girl stepped forward. “That’s GerudoGirl89, also known as Sandra,” she said, nodding to the short chick. “And my name is Rebecca. We’re the Sue-Slayers of DeviantArt Chapter 35.”
“Wft is a Mary-Sue?” demanded Jon, flashing his ttly hot smile.
“WTF, Jon, WTF!! And it’s WHAT THE FUCK, not WTF! Dimwit!!”
“HEY! Sandra! Calm down!” Grumbling, Sandra subsided. In a calmer voice, Rebecca said, “We find the Mary-Sues in society, and kill them. Here, we have Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas . . . .” a couple of the Sue Slayers shuddered, “with a long name and a ton of celebrity boyfriends.”
“But Jon is soooooo hawt,” whined Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas.
“Shut up, Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas,” snarled Rebecca. “You’re done. Why the fuck do you talk like that when no one else does?!”
“Jon doz,” she pointed out.
“OH DEAR GOD!” howled one of the other Sue-Slayers, a Bon Jovi fan. “SHE'S CORRUPTED JON BON JOVI! KILL HERRR!!!”
“In a minute,” said Rebecca patiently. “Listen, Mary-Sue. I mean,” she shuddered, “Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas. Mary-Sues are perfect. But! Humans are not perfect! YOU are a Mary-Sue!”
“But im nut a hman!” replied Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas sexily. “im ½ elf, ½ fairy, ½ human, ½ Princess, ½ vampire, ½ goddess, and ½ werewolf!”
“That’s,” Sandra counted on her fingers because she wasn’t as smart as Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas. “7 halves! You’re 3.5 people? Wow, you’re huge.”
“im nt hg!” shrieked Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas. “Im thn enuf 2 b anorexuc bt im not cause i hav big boobs.”
Sandra nearly passed out. “This is impossible,” she muttered. “Just kill the bitch!”
“U wont hurt mah gf!” said Bon Jovi bravely, stepping in front of his ttly hot gf.
“Jon,” said the Bon Jovi fan (named Kelsey) in a soft, gentle voice. “Snap out of it, Mr. Bongiovi. Remember who you really are. You’re not a stupid Mary-Sue sex-slave. You’re an amazing man with a beautiful singing voice, and terrific talent.”
Jon blinked once, then pulled himself free from Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas. “What the fuck?!” he yelled, and ran away, hiding behind Kelsey. “Kill it! Kill it!”
“Jooooon!!!” screamed Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas. “Cum bck, hunny! I wnt u!2!@@”
“Make her go away,” whimpered Jon. Because God knows I enjoy screwing around once my characters (coughcoughvictimscoughcough) are De-Sueified.
“Why is she obsessed with Bon Jovi?” inquired Sandra. “And why is she Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’nessBeautyful Jonas when she’s obviously a PunkRAWK!Sue? Why would she have a pop-princess name when her band is Gothic Tears whatever? I mean, Jon is what, 47? And poor Gerard . . . .”
“Because she’s a Sue,” Rebecca responded. “And now, my dear Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas, it is time for you to die.”
Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas fell to her knees, tears of blood streaming down her perfect cheeks. “Y?” she asked in her perfect voice. “I dun wnna di! Plz dont kll me!”
“I’m afraid we have no choice. But first, we bring out the Canon.” Sandra passed Rebecca a magic wand. She waved it once. Instantly, Voldemort and Sirius fell over dead, Harry got rid of his emo makeover and married Ginny, Ron went to find Hermione and apologize for his insanity (and possibly not get attacked by birds again) and everything returned to general normal.
“NUUUOOOOuUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111122221111111” shrieked Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas. “Mah bnd! Jon cum back! COME BCK 2 m3!!!”
Grimly, Rebecca picked up a sword with the words “Sue-Slayer Saber” on it. “Sorry, my dead freak, but this is made of pure Plot Poison and Correct Grammarcide,” she said. She thrust it into Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas’s heart. She died in a beautiful spray of pink sparkles.
And then, Princess Sarah Sparkles Light’ness Beautyful Jonas was no more.
The Sue-Slayers celebrated, and the Author, bored already and wanting to do something fun, brought Sirius back to life. Everyone had a party.
When it was time to leave, Jon Bon Jovi looked uncertainly around him. “How the hell am I supposed to get home?” he demanded.
Kelsey appeared beside him. “Don’t worry,” she crooned. “I’ll take care of you.”
Jon appeared relieved. “Why thank you, darlin’, you’re a lifesaver,” he said, flashing her a breathtaking smile.
She giggled. “No problem,” she said, slipping her arm around his. “Let’s take this abandoned hallway, I need to show you something!”
“What?”
“. . . . A new type of beer.”
Hopefully, he wouldn’t notice the chloroform-soaked rag and the maniacal look on her face . . . .